To cane or not to cane?

This reader believes love and respect are the only tools to being a wonderful parent – not a cane.

COMMENT

By Fa Abdul

I grew up being chased around the house and whacked by my mom with her old broom. My brother on the other hand occasionally got sambal cili slathered over his mouth. We didn’t have a rotan at home back then but there was always this long tailor’s ruler hanging on the wall which was quite fond of our backside. Later when we behaved like a bunch of monkeys, mom would stare at the ruler and we would automatically behave.

As a mom myself, I do not resort to caning my kids. I nag (it comes with the job) but caning – never. I encourage my kids to express themselves. There is no list of bad words, there are no boundaries on which topics to discuss, we respect each other’s opinions and give each other personal space. If either one of us has issues with the other, we will have a family meeting at a local mamak place where we sit down like adults and discuss it.

I turned out pretty decent. My kids turned out pretty well too.

So what is the right way to raise children? To cane or not to cane?

Apparently that’s the most talked about topic among parents and teachers ever since Women, Family and Community Development Minister Datuk Seri Rohani Abdul Karim proposed amendments to the Child Act 2001, making caning a child a punishable act. However it is former minister, Datuk Seri Shahrizat Abdul Jalil who believes parents should be given the space to discipline their children.

Parenting is not easy. Raising kids can be so darn exhausting. They can be demanding, disobedient, restless and naughty. They test you to the last drop of your patience. And every parent would admit, there would have been at least one time when they felt like sending their kids off to Pluto on the next rocket launch.

I know, I’ve been there.

My parents raised three kids, two sisters and three nieces in one household. We were subject to caning and whacking, but there was lots of love at home. As much as we got spanked, there were also lots of cuddles and hugs and kisses. My parents were always around and they had ample time to spend with us.

The situation today isn’t the same anymore. Parents have less time for their children. Work commitments force them to put children as young as four in school for up to eight hours a day. When they return, they bring home the stress from work. They aren’t able to provide the attention their children are seeking. So when the kids start acting up, they turn into the Hulk and resort to aggressive behaviour.

This aggressive behaviour includes caning, spanking, whacking, hitting, slapping, flicking, yelling, insulting and shouting. While parents may think they are disciplining their child, what they are actually doing in the absence of love and attention is instilling fear and promoting a rebellious streak.

I am not saying caning is wrong. Sometimes those little buggers do deserve a nice whack on their butts. However, to deny them the attention and love which are so crucial in their childhood development may bring negative results in the long run.

We need to understand one thing. No child was born naughty. It is us, the parents who fail to fulfil our responsibilities. While we are busy chasing our own personal dreams and career goals, our children are forced to take the backseat.

All kids crave love and attention. When we fail to provide for their needs, we look for easy solutions – bring out the cane and get it over with. Problem solved!

Let me ask you this: If your child has trouble reading – do you read to them or do you teach them how to spell so they can learn to read for themselves? To read to them would be how lazy parents do it. Same goes with caning. It is lazy parenting.

I strongly believe that people who have no time or dedication to raise children should not start a family. They should be smart enough to invest on condoms or morning after pills.

On second thought, perhaps these are the right people to be caned – those who enter parenthood knowing they have other priorities in life which they deem more important.

As parents, we should not forget that the most important criteria in a parent-child relationship is to form a special bond with our children. When you form that special bond, there will be respect and lots of love. These are the tools to being a wonderful parent – not a cane.

Parents should be loved. Not feared.

Children should be loved. Not neglected.

Not really rocket science, is it?

“Having children is like getting a tattoo on your face – it’s a lifelong commitment.”

~ Elizabeth Gilbert (American author)

Fa Abdul is producer/playwright in a local theatre company.