Watch out Isma, the 'kafirs' are striking back with K-pop stars & a 'hidden' Jewish/Chinese/Commie agenda

Yesterday, the nation was shocked by the obscene pictures of tudung-clad teenage girls being “molested” by those skinny, good-for-nothing K-Pop artists. They are so skinny that they can't even participate in the Running Man.

I have just read the brilliant analysis from Isma (Agenda Kristian di Sebalik K-Pop), PAS (Hidden agenda to tarnish Islam), and fellow netizens (check your own Facebook timeline, you lazy bum). I am so impressed that I am writing this in solidarity with them to share further evidence for their analysis.

Something happened today that made me think that all of this is deliberately planned by our enemies, the kafirs! This morning I was driving to work and suddenly, just like every other morning, I was stuck in the terrible traffic jam in Kesas highway! I can't help but reflect on the hidden conspiracy at hand. Could the Christians have purposely created this traffic jam so that I might be late for work? Yes, they want to see me get scolded and fired by my boss!

You see, my work begins at 9am and I woke up at 7.30am. Then I hit the snooze button and slept till 8.30am. Wait, the snooze button. That's it! It makes sense. The Jews made the snooze button so that the devil can seduce me to continue sleeping! I quickly checked the label behind my smartphone and true to my prediction, it read “Made in China”. The Communist Chinese have joined forces with the Jews and Christians to plot against us!

Then during lunchtime, I wanted to eat nasi kandar. I ate one, not enough, so I ate a couple more. I was seized by a terrible pain in the stomach and I was forced to go to the toilet a few times. I suspected the CIA of putting something in my nasi kandar to keep me away from going to dakwah in the world's first Islamic cruise.

At night, I wanted to attend another programme which spent “just” RM 200,000 for a prayer activity. Of course we could have channelled it to help the flood victims directly and pray for free because I don't think God judges our prayer based on how much we spend, but this is for the greater good which is far more important than the kafirs could have imagined. Those who criticise these two programmes are trying to sabotage our activities and are envious that Islam has gained the hearts of many. What's that? The criticism is coming from within the Muslim community? Well, if some people can't pay for it, that's their problem. I don't consider commercialisation of religion as selling religion, just like how a red apple is not the same as a green apple even though both are apples.

Nation, I know that we have floods and haze every single year, the frequency of which has perfected our politicians' art of recycling excuses: everything is a result of the will of God, except when they almost lost the election (it’s the kafir tsunami) or face obstacles to implementing hudud (it’s the kafir resistance).

But don't you think it is suspicious that Kelantan is the worst-hit state in the recent flood? My source has revealed that it could be an attempt by the kafirs to make us look bad! Spurred by this exceptionally clever insight, I have at long last figured out why Kelantan has not sorted out the plethora of social and criminal issues beleaguering the state. The real reason why Kelantan has the second highest number of HIV cases in the country is that Mossad, the Israeli intelligence, has deliberately spread HIV to our people through Thailand. It has nothing to do with the PAS-led state government having 25 years to fix this issue (or the Umno-led federal government having 58 years).

Back to the K-Pop concert incident. Never mind that the girls are mere teenagers and consented to the activity on stage – I will spread their personal details and pictures on Facebook without regard to their safety and label the incident molestation. I am more enraged by this public display of affection than when 38 men of our faith raped a 15-year-old girl, also of our faith, or when a 12-year-old girl was forced to marry her 40-year old rapist. When I can’t get to defend my faith against The Other and blame the kafirs, it is not as glamorous so I don’t even pretend that I care.

I will continue to condemn the girls and the organisers, though I still worship Malay movies and film stars who also publicly touch, hug, and intimately caress each other. On the rare occasions in which I am generous enough to go to the cinema (rather than illegally download or buy pirated movies), I voluntarily watch and support local movies depicting twisted sexual relations, as long as they have bad storylines and stay away from sensitive issues like real political, economic or education problems in the society, or that thing called interracial relationships.

I idolise actors and actresses who made millions out of those movies, and condemn those teenage girls for the exact same “haram” misconduct between men and women. There is no contradiction, however; I am just exercising my freedom to selectively prosecute the less powerful. I do all of this to uphold our faith and shame those who bring a bad name to our community, while I secretly pray that no one will hack into my computer and publicise my porn habits.

After this series of events, I am more convinced than ever that the Korean artists are sent by Christian missionaries to proselytise the Muslims. Wake up, we are under siege! To make matters worse, it is not just the Christians. Our perpetual nemesis, the Jews, have sponsored these covert attacks too. I bet soon enough the IDF will set foot in our own land unless PAS and Umno form a unity government to fight off the kafirs and unite the ummah once and for all. How do I know it? I just know! Trust me, I solve problems you don't even know exist.

You think I am kidding with you? In this state of crisis which I created, you are either with me or with the kafirs. As our dear leader said, it’s all about Muslims versus kafirs. No buts. With the power vested in me as the self-anointed supreme protector of the faith, I hereby excommunicate those who disagree with me from the ummah. What's that? I don't have the legal power to do it? Listen kids, as our minister puts it, perception is all that matters. All I need is the perception of that someone being a kafir for disagreeing with me, even though he or she actually isn't one. This tactic is called “kafir-mengkafir”. Read up the history of your nation, kids.

Just as I was about to finish this article, a monkey broke into my house and stole my bananas. This is getting very personal. Our enemies must have sent the monkey to intimidate me and try to corrupt my mind. You see, every time I see a monkey, I fight the corrupting thought in my head about this blasphemy called evolution. I hereby call for a ban on Biology subject in school and consequently, any field of study with the slightest link to biology or anthropology in universities as they may expose our kids to the theory of evolution.

Finally, I would end with this big expose of which I am sure none of you have even heard. Do you know what the “K” in “K-Pop” stands for? That's right, you have been uttering the word “K-Pop” without knowing its true meaning until now. You have been tricked into believing that it meant Korean popular music, just like how you were tricked into saying “Merry Christmas” without realising its real implications. This is a secret tactic by our enemies to slowly and subconsciously weaken our faith... because K-Pop actually stands for Kafir-Pop!

Dedicated to all the satirists around the world, big and small, real and fake, dead and alive, who embrace the risk of our pointlessly provocative work of art. – TMI