THE SODOMY-RAPE LAW IS AN ASS

So there you have it. Poking in the mouth and butt is a crime. Consent is not an issue. The gender of the person you poked does not matter. And even if that person is your wife you can still go to jail.

NO HOLDS BARRED

Raja Petra Kamarudin

I once wrote an article titled ‘The law is an ass’. Today my article is titled ‘The sodomy-rape law is an ass’.

Ass here means donkey, and not the American version of ass, which in English would be arse, behind, bum, buttocks, butt, backside, fanny, booty, rump, tush, bun, and about more than 50 terms in total. Sigh…never has there been so many words that mean the same thing: bontot in Bahasa Malaysia orpantat in Bahasa Indonesia.

No one knows where the phrase ‘the law is an ass’ originated from but it was made popular by Charles Dickens in 1838 in his book Oliver Twist (remember the part ‘please, sire, can I have some more?’, which got everyone’s knickers into a twist?).

Anyway, Malaysia still has laws that make poking your dick or pecker (another part of your anatomy that has more than 50 different names) into someone’s booty (I like that word better) or mouth a crime punishable up to 20 years in jail and whipping as well if the judge feels like it and if you are below 50 years of age.

The strange thing about these laws (depending on which section of the law you are charged under) is that the crime is for insertion. If you poke, you kena. Whether you cum (ejaculate) or not does not matter.

And it also does not matter whether it was with consent or not. If with consent you will get charged and if with no consent you also get charged.

And again, depending on which section of the law you are charged under, your partner can get charged as well or only the poker gets charged.

This is all up to the AG under which section of the law to charge you with and if the pokee makes a police report saying that he or she did not really consent to being poked then only the poker might get charged.

First of all, this law has nothing to do with homosexuality. Even if you poke a woman in the mouth or butt it is still a crime. And even if she is your wife it is still a crime.

Secondly, consent or non-consent is arguable. If that person you poked is underage then with consent is still a crime. And if you obtained consent under false pretences or through trickery then it can also be regarded as non-consent.

For example, if you want your boss to approve your promotion and your boss promises you that if you bend over he will approve your promotion and after he pokes you he refuses to approve your promotion you can cry rape and will most likely win your case (especially if you still have the ‘evidence’ inside you and you go to the doctor to get examined, or you do what Monica Lewinsky did to President Bill Clinton).

There have been many legal opinions given since Anwar Ibrahim was sent to jail and even questions as to whether it was rape or consent and if with consent why was Saiful Bukhari Azlan not also charged alongside Anwar?

I can understand laymen being confused and making comments devoid of legal knowledge. But when even lawyers themselves appear confused I can only assume they are either bad lawyers or people whom intentionally want to confuse the public for reasons only they know best.

That reminds me of my old V.I. school friend Gurmit Singh’s joke: depan kita punya, belakang kerajaan punya (the joke to be told in a Sikh accent, of course).

So there you have it. Poking in the mouth and butt is a crime. Consent is not an issue. The gender of the person you poked does not matter. And even if that person is your wife you can still go to jail.

So, if you are one who enjoys anal or oral sex, be very careful about saying no to your wife when she asks you for a Birkin handbag for her birthday.