Why do Indian men BEAT their wives...

I admit, that line was used by a major advertiser earlier (in just about the only ad that an Indian features). You see, we live in a world of stereotypes. When I write my articles, I deliberately make it controversial (much to the trepidations of the editors). After all, if you write and nobody reads, then you can consider it a ‘syiok sendiri’ piece.

Whenever I post my thoughts, I will get a barrage of comments, both in support and sometimes I appear to hit some raw nerves. Ahh... but that's the objective of a good writer, yes? After all, how interesting would an RTM2 news type be to the average reader.

Let's face it, in Malaysia, the Indians occupy a unique position. They are not a majority in any polling districts but if memory serves me right, they can swing the votes from a BN to an opposition victory in at least 28 constituencies. Now the present government has a majority of 44 seats, with almost 27 of the Indian-swinging seats going to BN in GE 2013. Wait, wait... see the last line of this article for the punchline.

Okay, I digress. Back to the “Kalingas”. Now I lumped all Indians into one group but we fellows are a finicky lot. So here's the top reasons why we:

1. Look like an Indian, talk like an Indian but...

Some of the "Indians" will be offended when a Malayalee or Ceylonese, is called an Indian. Even though it's 2015, there remains a time-stuck group that still holds onto ancient customs and prejudices. In that group, the Ceylon Tamils (popularly known as kottes/Ceylonese in Malaysia) and the Malayalees (known as the mallus or "yellows") consider themselves elitist.

This is because in British rule, these two categories of Indians were the most educated (due to their ‘study first’ philosophy) and hence, the Brits placed them as estate managers, clerks and station masters, that is, in any position that a white man need not helm.

It was common till the late 1980s to see institutions like Sime Darby, Guthrie, KTM, Telekoms and LLN to be staffed at the senior level by either kottes or mallus. (Of course, the question of who is superior will make another story).

It must be remembered that while the Brits placed them there based on their qualification, these days "kulitfication" decides who sits there. As a result, you get madmen/racists/bigots helming senior positions. You can decide for yourself which system is better.

2. Consider a little ‘nip’ a welcoming thingy

Truth be said. Born as an Indian man in Malaysia now is really "suey". Unless you are good-looking like the Bangladeshis (and hence the Malay girls fall for them), if lucky, you will get to date an Indian girl from Batang Berjuntai.

Sorry lah, all the city-bred Indian girls will only "layan" the expatriates. If you don't believe me, go to Skybar and observe. Go on, try your luck. I'd always wondered in the 1980s why I, a (reasonably) good-looking professional witty Indian man could not attract the "tangachees" in Beetlenut but an ugly fat plumber from Newcastle was getting all the attention.

Of course, thanks to the Filipinas, all Indian (and most Punjabi) men no longer feel dejected. In fact, we are now the stars with honorary Philippine citizenship. Remember no Ceylonese or Mallu father is going to allow his high-class doctor/engineer/accountant/pengarah daughter to marry a Gaunder Indian gentleman, even if he was a successful but ugly lawyer like Indi Nadarajah or Alan Pereira.

Worse, if you were an ordinary TNB (yes, a few Indians are still there) meter reader. So what else do you do... if you were a professional with money, head to the Royal Selangor Club. If you were a scrap metal tycoon (and don't play play, many own Ferraris and Lambos), you head to Chakravathy.

And for the TNB meter-reader types, you can find us in Armada Hotel and Cobra Club in PJ. But all of us are united by Chivas and Johnny. When we are adequately inebriated, all our troubles seem so far away, like yesterday. So, in the end, given the lack of business opportunities, government positions and luck with women, all Indians find solace in Regal and Walker.

With these two best friends with us losers, now we rule the world better than Obama, sing better than Shah Rukh, fight better than Jet Li and look better than Brosnan. Hence, so we imbibe. Really, can you blame us?

3. Have an inferiority complex

It's true. See the above paragraphs. If you were not given any chances, pretty soon, you will think that there was something wrong with you instead. You see, we Indians have been forgotten when our stupid forefathers drafted the NEP.

Razak craftily looked after the Malays' interest while Sambanthan was probably too busy counting his son's dowry to be bothered about the Indians. He should have yelled and thrown tables and chairs (like done now) and made Razak and Dr Ismail agree to include the Indians in the NEP.

Then, with our Chinese brethren (thanks to Siew Sin who stayed awake and dished out contracts quickly), we too would have had the same opportunity to prosper in society. I am most upset because the Malays are always claimed as the poor when it really are the Indians and the Orang Asli who count as hardcore poor.

Just because Ananda, Gnanalingam, Arumugam, Tony Fernandes and AK Nathan are billionaires (and account for 99.9% of the Indian wealth), the other 1,987,423 Indians are forgotten when it comes to government assistance - unless it's election time or Merdeka Day when we get our 20 seconds of fame on TV.

Imagine, if we were treated equal, we would have gotten: free overseas education, cheap housing, extra classes to pass exams, subsidised loans, government jobs, free shares, lower entry results to higher education, "park anywhere" on prayer time rights, virtually no speeding tickets and many more.

The least Sambathan could have done was to give an extra shot of Henessy to Tunku, he then may have voiced up for us. Contrast this with a recent comment by Najib that Indians are bumiputera. I better send in my request for some free shares before the extremist NGOs start to show their posteriors.

4. Are related to Michael Jackson

The world needs healing. Obama is half white and he is proud that he is black. But we Indians, are usually dark brown (if I said black, thousands of Nigerians in KL may be offended) and we apply the ‘Fair & Lovely’ cream so that we can become fairer.

Worse, I've actually heard non-Indian Malaysians say that the fair Indians are Ceylonese and Malayalees, and the darker ones are the "estate" type. It's amazing that after almost 60 years of Merdeka, Merdeka, Merdeka, with all the bulls**t slogans propagated by the politicians, the four major races (the Indonesians now outnumber Indian Malaysians) are no wiser as to each other's culture than we were in 1897.

It was proven when a government educational commission recently sent Thaipusam greetings to Buddhists. Well, you can see where our "world class" education has taken the society to. In Malaysia we excel by lowering the benchmark instead of upgrading our abilities.

Coming back to the colour bar, we Indians are somewhat cowed by our skin colour. Of course, there are some of us who have decided to become (rapper) BAD and now take on names like "Resh" (Suresh), Knife Andy (Kalliandy), Maran Sammy (Munnusamy) and Big Nate (Banganathan). It appears to me, nobody believes that it doesn't matter if you're black or white.

5. Are lawyers

There was a minister who encouraged the Malays to be like the Chinese who went into business and took risks. He also said don't be like the Indians who play safe and become lawyers and professionals.

As a professional in my sane years and then as a businessman in my foolish years (just for the record, I'm now retired with insanity), I've actually been in the full spectrum of "life" in Malaysia. I think I can speak with authority as I was a product of the "Malay" school (yes, from a kampong too), articled in a "Chinaman" firm with an Indian boss, mastered in a "White man's" society, worked in a cut-throat global business and finally retired to an Indian farm - I've been there all.

I think Indians have been gifted with the language skill that Bill himself would have been proud of. Also, we Indians can never tell a story without intrigues and diversions. There must always be a plot, motive (sorry, in Malaysia no need motive lah...) and a hero.

Move aside Barbara, call us the true romantist. Hence, if you want murder, mystery and a hero - alas, law is your calling Mr Watson. Now if they only allowed song as a defence, you could hear the defence in Anwar's case, may I venture, singing Shaggy's "It wasn't me".

And those are the top five reasons. Why only five and not 10 - hey, we Indians always exaggerate lah.

And the cliff-hanger results: If a clever Indian wanted to be deputy prime minister of Malaysia, (how do you think Nick Clegg, leader of the third largest party with 28% of the votes, became the deputy PM in UK?) all he has to do is to make sure, of the 27 king-making polling districts, 23 seats voted the other way.

Voila, Pakatan in power in GE14. No need to beg the Sabahans and Sarawakians. Aiya.